We've received some great news, haven't we?! A Grade II Oligo-based tumor with a co-deletion of the correct DNA chromosomal arms. I have no doubt that your prayers were influential in these test results. As we know, God responds to prayers of faith and acts on our behalf even when it goes against the physical parameters we typically assign to our situations. I simply love the idea (despite the difficulty) of praying and acting with such faith that God must move on our behalf.
First off, I have received some amazing blog comments from people all over who have been following this story over the past few weeks. As I've previously stated, I feel as though I can't quite explain what has been going through my head and heart, but God has shown Himself more than capable to get the message across. For that, I'm thankful, I'm honored and to be quite honest, scared to write again!
However, a comment recently came through that really peaked my interest. It's from a person who was a little confused about my approach to this whole tumor thing and I imagine he/she is not the only person thinking these thoughts. I didn't want to respond flippantly so I thought about it for a few days before addressing it.
To the person who left this comment - thanks for being honest with your feelings. And also, thank you for your kind words about me overcoming this tumor. I sincerely appreciate it and my friends and I will continue to pray for God to heal this tumor. Moving on, the comment was...
but this whole "praise god because its the right kind of cancer!" is still just goofy. man, the guy put this tumor into my head that is horrible and most likely fatal. so "thank god he made it the right kind of brain tumor!" is silly and just a little short-sighted.
brain tumors happen, they suck, i'm glad you have a positive attitude and i hope you can hang in there. bad stuff happens. lots of muslims/atheists/buddhists get brain tumors too. some live and some die."
But unfortunately, many people suffer from the 'wrong' type of cancer. Everyday I hear story after story of people who are dealing with and dying from what some would consider the cursed 'wrong' type of cancer. Like never before my heart goes out to these people and I pray for them to receive grace that is more than sufficient for their suffering and peace that surpasses all understanding. But here is the 'silly' thing... I still hear these people praising God for their cancer and the impact it has made in their life. Even in their suffering, they still know God is in control. Blows. My. Mind.
Oddly enough, some of the most comforting words I have received since my diagnosis have been from my new friends with the 'wrong' type of cancer. It reminds me of this beautiful passage in Streams In The Desert (entry for July 19th):
The most comforting of David's psalms were pressed out by suffering and if Paul had not had the thorn in his flesh, we would have missed much of the tenderness which quivers in so many of his letters.
The present circumstance which presses so hard against you is the best-shaped tool in the father's hand to chisel you for eternity. Trust Him, then. Do not push away the instrument lest you lose its work.
The school of suffering graduates rare scholars."
When I read this above passage I know my suffering (as well as yours) is neither 'silly' nor 'short-sided', but in fact the opposite. Every moment of suffering is an opportunity, if allowed, for us to be chiseled for eternity and to grow in empathy for the sufferings of others. I pray above all else that my cancer (whether right, wrong, good, bad, silly, goofy, etc...) shows the world that Christ suffered for us, not so that his followers could be rich, healthy, well-networked, smart and good-looking, but so that the world would know His followers by their ongoing sacrificial actions of compassion and love for those who are the lowest of the low.
And Dear Commenter, you are right; Muslims, Atheists & Buddhists get brain tumors as well. Some of them live and some of them die. I suppose it's safe to say cancer is open to take the lives of all types of people. It's an equal-opportunity killer showing no preference for religious beliefs. If we were to accept this basic fact that cancer is open to all types of people, I guess the real question would be, what types of people are open to cancer?
I want to be open to cancer and the new things it will bring into my life.
This is all new to me, but as I begin to learn of the emotional suffering cancer causes and not yet begun to undergo the physical changes that lie in my future, I can say I feel I am being prepared for what is to come. I know that what lies ahead of me is out of my control. I know that I am a part of something bigger than myself. I want to be the type of person who is open and ready for cancer and the physical suffering that could potentially lie ahead.
But here is my biggest fear.
I'm afraid that if I could go back and be given a choice to choose 'right', 'wrong' or even 'no cancer', I would have chosen the easiest route, to pass on this cup handed to me. If given the choice I would have gladly passed on this diagnosis, yet unfortunately also passed on the amazing changes coming from God who I still believe designed this cancer for me; changes in my relationship with God, my marriage, my family, my friends, my career, etc...
It's easy for us to pray for safety, comfort, health and wealth. But are we willing to pray for anything that will bring us closer to Christ? Even if it includes suffering? I hope that we would never miss out on an opportunity to understand the sufferings of Christ so we can be chiseled for eternity, to grow in maturity and perseverance and to sympathize with those around us who are also suffering. And despite the fear and pain that may come, I hope we can all repeat the words of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane as He was being led to his death:
"Shall I not drink the cup my father has given me?" -John 18:11
I'm sorry for dishing out my 'armchair theology', and I know that many of you are probably sick of hearing it. (That's the great thing about blogs, you can stop reading whenever you like!) If you can take anything from this post, please pray that you can take joy in your sufferings and not avoid them by running from them at all costs. In the past month I can say I've learned more about who God is, who I am and how my priorities need to be rearranged. And if it takes suffering to help me learn these lessons, I wil gladly accept it. And I praise God that the lessons I learn from this will be neither silly nor short-sided.
- 1 Peter 4:12-13
Much Love.
